Normal and Happy

Yesterday I read this story and came to a horrible truth about my future. (No I DO NOT lust after children!!) I started thinking about what makes this man want to do this type of thing? Not just him, but anyone that isn't "wired" correctly? Depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. It dawned on me that there is nothing they can do or give this man to make him not feel like this towards children. He might eventually be able to control it, but the urges will always be there.

This lead me to myself. The depression that has ahold of my soul, is never going to go away. Yeah I have learned to live with it and fake a lot, but the feeling will never completely go away. I wasn't wired to feel normal, and no medicine or therapy is going to change that. It might make it better but it will never go away.

In trying to remember the happy times in my life, they all had to do with me being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong B is the most important person in the world to me, but to be a family is what I crave. Now almost 39 years old I am really scared that this will never happen. B will eventually go away and have his own life. Then where will I be?

My other fear is that he is taking after me. That he will suffer from the depression and will live his life as miserable as I am. I know my depression affects him. I sometimes see me in him....and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want this for him!!! I want him to be happy! I am feeling hopeless at this point. There is nothing that I can do to avoid it, and there is no way to know until it happens.

I am going to continue my quest to find a good medicine, and try to find what makes me happy, for B! I want to be able to tell him what he needs to do to feel normal and happy.