Ooops, I did it again...

Sorry....I know I have said that before, and at the time I am sure I meant it, as I do at this moment...ok I sort of mean it. My head is full and I have been putting this off for so long. I can't even put together a complete thought before I am on to another one. Then I get on here and I don't even know what to say...or type I guess. So much to talk about so little time...Ok I have plenty of time, but I am busy binge watching the Gilmore Girls. Started a new job at a CPA firm...and I am completely lost...can't wait for tax season to be in full swing and me to be a curled up in the corner crying and shaking repeating "I love my job" over and over. Then there is a guy...and that is enough about that! And yes this is what goes on in my head all of the time but much faster and makes way less sense...but we will get into that later...

Thanks but no thanks

Just as I suspected I got the "Thanks but no thanks" email today.....sigh. I have actually taken it better than I thought I would. I guess that is the one perk of being negative...always expect the worse so you won't be disappointed! :) I know that is part of what is wrong with me though. I wish I wasn't like this...and I use to not be.

I think the turning point for me was when Glen passed away. I don't think I ever truly recovered from losing him. But then how do you recover from someone saying I'll be right back and telling you they love you and never coming home. I probably shouldn't have gone to see him in the hospital after he was gone...that is the only way I can remember him now. Even after almost 8 years it is still hard to shake it all. It ruined me in a way....in a lot of ways actually. I haven't opened up to a man since. How can I???

Man I have issues....actually my issues have issues that have issues!

Weepy Wednesday

Happy Wednesday Bloggy People!!!

Ok well I am not that happy, still haven't heard anything on the job that I want so badly. I have convinced myself that I didn't get it. Best to be surprised rather than disappointed?!?! Maybe that is my problem. I use to not be this bad...what the hell happened to me?

I also don't know how to get back into the dating game. I really suck at it. I am so closed off, I have been hurt, in one way or another and just can't seem to let the wall down. I honestly don't know that I will ever be able to. I should probably seek professional help...but my insurance SUCKS...so I can't afford it.

Well this is a pity party blog isn't it?! I guess I should have said Happy Weepy Wednesday! I just need something....anything good to happen to me to make me feel better about myself. This has been a pretty bad year all around...maybe 2015 will be good! I should end this blog now before I put all of you in a bad mood....

Fingers Crossed and Prayers Appreciated!!!

That is right folks...two in one day! Nothing quite like sitting home on a Saturday night and catching up on your DVR to bring out the writer in you! So I guess I should catch you up a little. Not sure where I left off though....I had to have surgery in Feb, pre cancerous crap, so I figured since he was going to be in there might as well tie the old tubes...that is right folks....NO MORE BABIES! One and done for this woman! Still haven't had the chance to test it out yet....yep that is correct no man for me...yet. I take complete responsibility for that....I was told this evening, by a man, that I am as affectionate as a cactus...or some shit like that. It is true and I admit it...that is the first step, right?!

So my job SUCKS! Maybe sucks is to harsh a word....if you are 39 yrs old and had almost 20 years of experience in accounting and got passed up for a promotion, with the excuse from your boss that they went with someone with a little more experience, for a 25 yr old Pharmacy Tech, who's daddy has been with the company forever, making your job suck then yes mine does:) Fucking politics....sigh! I have really let it go....I do my job and go home.

I interviewed for a job the other day that I really, really, really, really want!!!! My mind automatically jumps to the fact that I never get anything that I want this badly, then there is a little part of my brain that says why shouldn't I get it?! I should know by the end of this coming week....so fingers crossed and prayers appreciated!!!

I am going to Houston next weekend for the Motley Crue concert with my younger sister and another friend of mine. It should be interesting to say the least. My friend and I aren't as close as we use to be and there have been some....issues....that we never talked about. So this will either be a blast...or it will be  a disaster. I'll let you know what side of the coin that lands on!

Well gotta close for now....that DVR isn't going to catch up on itself;)

Sorry Guys....

I know...I know...I have been MIA for a long time!!! SO much has happened....and none of it is good it seems. I am starting to think that someone out there hates me. So much to talk about and so little time it seems. I will be here more now...promise!!! Hugs and stuff!

OUCH

So many things have been going on....sigh! Mostly just stuff with B and his ADHD. We are STILL trying to find a medicine that works:-/ I have started the process of having him tested for special education...which breaks my heart. I don't care one way or another...I just don't want him to have to be made fun of because he doesn't learn as quickly as everyone else. His insurance deductible started over, so you have to pay everything out of pocket (no copay) until the deductible has been met. His dad is in kidney failure, so it gets met pretty quickly....but that still puts a financial burden on me.

We are looking to get a used (new to us) car once I get my income tax. Princess, that is our car now, has got 250K miles on her, and she is a minivan...which makes it look like I have 15 kids when I only have one! Men love it though....turns some heads....NOT! We will get something smaller, car probably, I hate cars (I am a truck girl) but I need something with good gas mileage.

Lastly, for the first time ever, I had to have a biopsy on my cervix today. The doctor said he has done a lot of them and mine by far was the hardest he has ever done. I have never heard a doctor apologize so much, because he knew how much pain he was causing me. Why? Because my uterus is pointed backward, so my cervix is pointed down, or something like that. It was extremely painful. I waited until they left the room to cry...OUCH! He said that he thinks everything looks good though, so that makes me feel better. Just have to wait on the results, 7-10 business days:) As of now, I am still uncomfortable, but it isn't terrible.

Hope everyone is having a good week:)

I HATE THAT!

I don't get men!!! Why can't they just tell you what they want?!?! You will get a whole lot further with me if you do! UGH! Then there is this one guy....I can't stop thinking about! I HATE THAT! Why can't stop I stop thinking about him?!?! I always want the guys that are going to hurt me!!! It will end bad, there is no good outcome! How come I always go for the ones that are going to end badly....for me at least...sigh. I was supposed to see him this weekend...but now that won't happen. How can I be so infatuated with someone that I haven't even touched?!? I have never felt like this for someone....and it SUCKS!

Anyways taking B to see his dad this weekend...decided I would stay and visit and see some friends I haven't seen in a while. I hope I have a good time...cause I could really use a good time...

MIA

Sorry, I know I have been MIA...and I wish I had a better reason. Just been trying to get B ready to go back to school. Trying to get his meds straight and what not. I have a lot going on this month.

So it didn't work out with the guy...not that I am surprised. Oh well! Not going to lose any sleep over it:) There is potentially a new guy. Not real sure about it though. Just taking it day by day. I get sick of the games though. Like don't text him, let him text you. Wait so many days before you text...etc. It would be so much easier if they would just say what they want, instead of you having to guess. Do they want you to text/call. I just don't...I figure if they want to talk to me they will make the effort. Of course you see where that has gotten me:)

Hope you all have a great week!!!

P.S. Tomorrow is my Birthday:)

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year!! Hope everyone had a safe and great one! I spent it with my niece and a couple other friends. We went to a cemetery and walked around...morbid I know, but hey I had a blast! And if I haven't mentioned it before...2014 is all about ME and what I want and makes me happy! That includes B and what makes him happy too:)

So I guess I jinxed my new dating partner, cause I haven't heard from him. Not that I am surprised. It always seems like if I talk about dating someone to anyone, it fizzles out. And people wonder why I don't talk about my love life. There is this other guy, but honestly I just don't think I am attracted to him like that anymore. Yes I said anymore cause we dated about 20 years ago. We are hanging out, but I just don't have the urge to get physical with him. Why can't I find someone?!?! It gets super frustrating!

I Hate Dating!

Stupid WiFi has been down for 2 days!! Talk about aggravating!!!

So Christmas has come and gone. For the most part it was great! Except for when I went to take B to meet his dad after we opened presents at my parents house. When I got back my family had eaten Christmas dinner without me!!! After we waited until 7:30 the night before to eat waiting for my older sister! I was pissed and hurt...mostly hurt though:(  My mom called the next day and apologized, and swore it would never happen again.

Then my best friends, since high school, dad was admitted to the hospital. He is still there pending surgery:(

I finally had my date Friday night, you know the one that I wasn't sure if it was a date or friends catching up?!? Well it was definitely a DATE! Then we saw each other Saturday night too. This is the time that I hate being a woman! My brain goes crazy!!! I know I just need to chill out and let it be....but now I am reading into EVERYTHING! Like we talked about getting together for New Years eve...but now he is saying he might go hunting with his boss down in South Texas. I freak out over all of this...I over analyze everything that has been said:/ I am driving myself nuts!!!!!! Is this normal or is this my low self esteem and abandonment issues coming out?!?!? I just HATE dating....this SUCKS!

PMS

I am ready to beat the crap out of everyone....surely I have PMS! I swear I think my head will explode at any given minute! B's mouth is fixing to get him grounded from everything. I feel terrible about the way that I am acting because I know a lot of it has to do with his meds and the fact that he currently isn't taking them. I understand all of that but damn I can't just let him say the things he is saying and do the things he is doing because he isn't on meds at the moment.

Saturday was super fun! See all of my family that I haven't seen together in so long. One of my cousins and her husband made the announcement at dinner that they were expecting their first child! Just seeing the look and pride in my grandparents face to have us all together at the same time was awesome and made me feel great!

Of course this morning I walked in on a discussion between my mom and my aunt, and got pulled into it. That turned into a screaming match, all 3 of us in tears and leaving angry. We were supposed to stay until 3 but mom couldn't get out of there fast enough. Didn't even wait for my grandfather to get home from church:( We all made it home safe and sound, and that is all that matters I guess. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Bio State

This weekend we get to visit my Bio State!!! I love my Bio State:) I am supposed to get to see all of my first cousins!! I haven't seen some of them in over 11 years! Truth be told, this will probably be the last time I see some of them, other than at funerals, and we only get to stay for one day:( I am the only one in my family that is excited about this! I believe family is important. Who cares how often we get to see each other, we are blood! This will might be the last time some of them see my grandparents. They are in their late 80's, and it breaks my heart to think that they won't be around forever. Sad thing is once they are gone, unless I make the effort, I will not see my cousins again.

I can not believe Christmas is next week!! I have all my presents wrapped and ready to go! Then New Years, which honestly I will probably be asleep at midnight....who am I kidding I know I will be:) Not as young as I use to be. B will go to his dads Christmas day and won't be back until right before he goes back to school. I hate when he is gone for a long time like that. My life seems so boring without him interrupting everything I do:)

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

My Entire Body was Frozen

W1D1....that's right, I am getting back up on the horse! Man it sucks! Starting over after I was in W8?!?!? Why do I do that to myself. I started back last night when I got home from work, my entire body was frozen when I got back. This time a I am going to try not to care about time limits, and if I don't make a day. As long as I am out there that is good right?

So B's doctors appointment was yesterday. They have changed his medicine, and here's to hoping this one doesn't make him as moody! Of course I won't know that fact until I can find a pharmacy that actually CARRIES it! I went to 4 different pharmacies last night...at the peak hour of around 5PM! By the time I was done, I was ready to rip someone's arm off and beat them to death with it! Ritalin is one of the most common types of ADHD meds, WTF? This morning I am going to call the Wal Mart pharmacy, since his insurance is through a Wal Mart employee, his step mom, and see if they can order it. Out of the 4 pharmacies that I went to only 1 of them offered to order it, and it wasn't them!

I am completely stressed out. B is failing 2 things for the semester:( I so badly don't want him to have them to hold him back. I hope we can get this medicine thing straightened out soon!

Have a great day!

New Do:)

What a week last week was!!! B got better on his meds, but they definitely need to be stronger. He goes back to the Dr. tomorrow so for an update on how things are going. I am sure they will give him more meds because he only had 2 weeks worth. He still showed irritability toward the end of the day especially when we did homework. Which in turn irritated me. Sigh...I need to learn to just breath and count to 100, cause 10 doesn't work for me!

I can't believe Christmas is next week! B and I wrapped all the presents and I filled out all of the Christmas cards. Went grocery shopping, bought candy for B's Christmas party, and stuff for me to make Chicken spaghetti for our work feast tomorrow.

We had the accounting dept Christmas party Friday night. It turned out pretty fun. I actually had a drink...which is the first time in AGES and won a door prize $15 gift card to Starbucks!! Whoo hoo! It doesn't take much to excite me these days...lol!

Oh I also got my hair dyed and a new cut:)

Hope you have a great day!!!

Stupid Cold

Day 1 of B's medicine: He took a nap when he got home, was irritable, and weepy. It wore off about 6PM. I sure hope it gets better. I don't like it when he is cranky:(

It is stupid cold here! We aren't use to a lot of cold days in a row. Of course I would rather it be cold than hot! It means I have to do laundry during the week, cause B only has 3 pair of uniform pants. I hate doing laundry during the week. It wouldn't be so bad if the washer and dryer wasn't outside:-/

B had a nightmare and woke me up at 4:00 AM. So guess who couldn't go back to sleep?! You guessed it! Hope today is better than yesterday:)

Wow I suck!

B starts his medicine today! I pray that this is a start to having him catch up in school!!! He is in danger of failing the 5th grade. He is already one of the oldest in his class since he is an August baby. I hope there are no side effects or if there are some they aren't to bad. I really need HIM to see a difference in the way that he acts and learns. That would be my hope for all of this.

We had a fairly uneventful weekend. Not that this should come as any surprise to you at all. I have no life! Even my blog is boring...wow I suck!

This just sucks!

Well, it is now official B has ADD. Not that I am surprised, just that it still makes me sad. He is my baby, I don't want him to have to take meds everyday to be able to function properly...of course I am his mother and it is passed down, so like I said, not surprised. Our next step is going to his Dr and getting meds. From what I understand we will be visiting this Dr a lot in the near future, until we get the dosage and type of med he needs down. Of course the end of the year is coming and his insurance deductible will be back in place. His insurance doesn't pay anything until it is met, and then it pays 100%. Which I guess is better than mine:-/ This just sucks!

Tri Annual

Yesterday was our annual Christmas Shopping trip. We spent the night Sunday night at my younger sisters place in Houston. Then they proceeded to drag me to every store you could possibly imagine. Torture I tell you!!! I told them that I would make it a Tri Annual trip....I would TRY to make it annually;)

I hate shopping...of any kind! It is like pulling my eye lashes out...one by one! We did eat some really good food though:) My waistline is feeling it. I have got to get back into exercise....if only the motivation fairy would visit me.

Busy week this week, B has a check up today, then tomorrow he has his counselor. It is close out week at work, so taking a vacation day yesterday probably wasn't the best idea. I am supposed to have all of my stores audited by the end of today....sigh! Might have to stay late today.

Normal and Happy

Yesterday I read this story and came to a horrible truth about my future. (No I DO NOT lust after children!!) I started thinking about what makes this man want to do this type of thing? Not just him, but anyone that isn't "wired" correctly? Depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. It dawned on me that there is nothing they can do or give this man to make him not feel like this towards children. He might eventually be able to control it, but the urges will always be there.

This lead me to myself. The depression that has ahold of my soul, is never going to go away. Yeah I have learned to live with it and fake a lot, but the feeling will never completely go away. I wasn't wired to feel normal, and no medicine or therapy is going to change that. It might make it better but it will never go away.

In trying to remember the happy times in my life, they all had to do with me being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong B is the most important person in the world to me, but to be a family is what I crave. Now almost 39 years old I am really scared that this will never happen. B will eventually go away and have his own life. Then where will I be?

My other fear is that he is taking after me. That he will suffer from the depression and will live his life as miserable as I am. I know my depression affects him. I sometimes see me in him....and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want this for him!!! I want him to be happy! I am feeling hopeless at this point. There is nothing that I can do to avoid it, and there is no way to know until it happens.

I am going to continue my quest to find a good medicine, and try to find what makes me happy, for B! I want to be able to tell him what he needs to do to feel normal and happy.

Date....maybe

We made it to Thursday!!! Today I have my first counseling session, and B's counselor is going to observe him in his classroom. We are both pretty nervous. All I know is now that I can see B following in my "mental" footsteps, I want to fix myself so that he doesn't have to feel what I feel! I hope this works!

Soooo....I might have a date tonight. I am not real sure. I have known him for a many years, and he is working in my town for a few weeks so we are going to have dinner tonight. I have heard that years ago he wanted to ask me out, but I was seeing someone at the time. So I am not sure that this is an actual date or not. I am just going to go and not read into it....or try not to...