I Hate Dating!

Stupid WiFi has been down for 2 days!! Talk about aggravating!!!

So Christmas has come and gone. For the most part it was great! Except for when I went to take B to meet his dad after we opened presents at my parents house. When I got back my family had eaten Christmas dinner without me!!! After we waited until 7:30 the night before to eat waiting for my older sister! I was pissed and hurt...mostly hurt though:(  My mom called the next day and apologized, and swore it would never happen again.

Then my best friends, since high school, dad was admitted to the hospital. He is still there pending surgery:(

I finally had my date Friday night, you know the one that I wasn't sure if it was a date or friends catching up?!? Well it was definitely a DATE! Then we saw each other Saturday night too. This is the time that I hate being a woman! My brain goes crazy!!! I know I just need to chill out and let it be....but now I am reading into EVERYTHING! Like we talked about getting together for New Years eve...but now he is saying he might go hunting with his boss down in South Texas. I freak out over all of this...I over analyze everything that has been said:/ I am driving myself nuts!!!!!! Is this normal or is this my low self esteem and abandonment issues coming out?!?!? I just HATE dating....this SUCKS!

PMS

I am ready to beat the crap out of everyone....surely I have PMS! I swear I think my head will explode at any given minute! B's mouth is fixing to get him grounded from everything. I feel terrible about the way that I am acting because I know a lot of it has to do with his meds and the fact that he currently isn't taking them. I understand all of that but damn I can't just let him say the things he is saying and do the things he is doing because he isn't on meds at the moment.

Saturday was super fun! See all of my family that I haven't seen together in so long. One of my cousins and her husband made the announcement at dinner that they were expecting their first child! Just seeing the look and pride in my grandparents face to have us all together at the same time was awesome and made me feel great!

Of course this morning I walked in on a discussion between my mom and my aunt, and got pulled into it. That turned into a screaming match, all 3 of us in tears and leaving angry. We were supposed to stay until 3 but mom couldn't get out of there fast enough. Didn't even wait for my grandfather to get home from church:( We all made it home safe and sound, and that is all that matters I guess. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Bio State

This weekend we get to visit my Bio State!!! I love my Bio State:) I am supposed to get to see all of my first cousins!! I haven't seen some of them in over 11 years! Truth be told, this will probably be the last time I see some of them, other than at funerals, and we only get to stay for one day:( I am the only one in my family that is excited about this! I believe family is important. Who cares how often we get to see each other, we are blood! This will might be the last time some of them see my grandparents. They are in their late 80's, and it breaks my heart to think that they won't be around forever. Sad thing is once they are gone, unless I make the effort, I will not see my cousins again.

I can not believe Christmas is next week!! I have all my presents wrapped and ready to go! Then New Years, which honestly I will probably be asleep at midnight....who am I kidding I know I will be:) Not as young as I use to be. B will go to his dads Christmas day and won't be back until right before he goes back to school. I hate when he is gone for a long time like that. My life seems so boring without him interrupting everything I do:)

Have a great weekend everyone!!!

My Entire Body was Frozen

W1D1....that's right, I am getting back up on the horse! Man it sucks! Starting over after I was in W8?!?!? Why do I do that to myself. I started back last night when I got home from work, my entire body was frozen when I got back. This time a I am going to try not to care about time limits, and if I don't make a day. As long as I am out there that is good right?

So B's doctors appointment was yesterday. They have changed his medicine, and here's to hoping this one doesn't make him as moody! Of course I won't know that fact until I can find a pharmacy that actually CARRIES it! I went to 4 different pharmacies last night...at the peak hour of around 5PM! By the time I was done, I was ready to rip someone's arm off and beat them to death with it! Ritalin is one of the most common types of ADHD meds, WTF? This morning I am going to call the Wal Mart pharmacy, since his insurance is through a Wal Mart employee, his step mom, and see if they can order it. Out of the 4 pharmacies that I went to only 1 of them offered to order it, and it wasn't them!

I am completely stressed out. B is failing 2 things for the semester:( I so badly don't want him to have them to hold him back. I hope we can get this medicine thing straightened out soon!

Have a great day!

New Do:)

What a week last week was!!! B got better on his meds, but they definitely need to be stronger. He goes back to the Dr. tomorrow so for an update on how things are going. I am sure they will give him more meds because he only had 2 weeks worth. He still showed irritability toward the end of the day especially when we did homework. Which in turn irritated me. Sigh...I need to learn to just breath and count to 100, cause 10 doesn't work for me!

I can't believe Christmas is next week! B and I wrapped all the presents and I filled out all of the Christmas cards. Went grocery shopping, bought candy for B's Christmas party, and stuff for me to make Chicken spaghetti for our work feast tomorrow.

We had the accounting dept Christmas party Friday night. It turned out pretty fun. I actually had a drink...which is the first time in AGES and won a door prize $15 gift card to Starbucks!! Whoo hoo! It doesn't take much to excite me these days...lol!

Oh I also got my hair dyed and a new cut:)

Hope you have a great day!!!

Stupid Cold

Day 1 of B's medicine: He took a nap when he got home, was irritable, and weepy. It wore off about 6PM. I sure hope it gets better. I don't like it when he is cranky:(

It is stupid cold here! We aren't use to a lot of cold days in a row. Of course I would rather it be cold than hot! It means I have to do laundry during the week, cause B only has 3 pair of uniform pants. I hate doing laundry during the week. It wouldn't be so bad if the washer and dryer wasn't outside:-/

B had a nightmare and woke me up at 4:00 AM. So guess who couldn't go back to sleep?! You guessed it! Hope today is better than yesterday:)

Wow I suck!

B starts his medicine today! I pray that this is a start to having him catch up in school!!! He is in danger of failing the 5th grade. He is already one of the oldest in his class since he is an August baby. I hope there are no side effects or if there are some they aren't to bad. I really need HIM to see a difference in the way that he acts and learns. That would be my hope for all of this.

We had a fairly uneventful weekend. Not that this should come as any surprise to you at all. I have no life! Even my blog is boring...wow I suck!

This just sucks!

Well, it is now official B has ADD. Not that I am surprised, just that it still makes me sad. He is my baby, I don't want him to have to take meds everyday to be able to function properly...of course I am his mother and it is passed down, so like I said, not surprised. Our next step is going to his Dr and getting meds. From what I understand we will be visiting this Dr a lot in the near future, until we get the dosage and type of med he needs down. Of course the end of the year is coming and his insurance deductible will be back in place. His insurance doesn't pay anything until it is met, and then it pays 100%. Which I guess is better than mine:-/ This just sucks!

Tri Annual

Yesterday was our annual Christmas Shopping trip. We spent the night Sunday night at my younger sisters place in Houston. Then they proceeded to drag me to every store you could possibly imagine. Torture I tell you!!! I told them that I would make it a Tri Annual trip....I would TRY to make it annually;)

I hate shopping...of any kind! It is like pulling my eye lashes out...one by one! We did eat some really good food though:) My waistline is feeling it. I have got to get back into exercise....if only the motivation fairy would visit me.

Busy week this week, B has a check up today, then tomorrow he has his counselor. It is close out week at work, so taking a vacation day yesterday probably wasn't the best idea. I am supposed to have all of my stores audited by the end of today....sigh! Might have to stay late today.

Normal and Happy

Yesterday I read this story and came to a horrible truth about my future. (No I DO NOT lust after children!!) I started thinking about what makes this man want to do this type of thing? Not just him, but anyone that isn't "wired" correctly? Depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. It dawned on me that there is nothing they can do or give this man to make him not feel like this towards children. He might eventually be able to control it, but the urges will always be there.

This lead me to myself. The depression that has ahold of my soul, is never going to go away. Yeah I have learned to live with it and fake a lot, but the feeling will never completely go away. I wasn't wired to feel normal, and no medicine or therapy is going to change that. It might make it better but it will never go away.

In trying to remember the happy times in my life, they all had to do with me being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong B is the most important person in the world to me, but to be a family is what I crave. Now almost 39 years old I am really scared that this will never happen. B will eventually go away and have his own life. Then where will I be?

My other fear is that he is taking after me. That he will suffer from the depression and will live his life as miserable as I am. I know my depression affects him. I sometimes see me in him....and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want this for him!!! I want him to be happy! I am feeling hopeless at this point. There is nothing that I can do to avoid it, and there is no way to know until it happens.

I am going to continue my quest to find a good medicine, and try to find what makes me happy, for B! I want to be able to tell him what he needs to do to feel normal and happy.

Date....maybe

We made it to Thursday!!! Today I have my first counseling session, and B's counselor is going to observe him in his classroom. We are both pretty nervous. All I know is now that I can see B following in my "mental" footsteps, I want to fix myself so that he doesn't have to feel what I feel! I hope this works!

Soooo....I might have a date tonight. I am not real sure. I have known him for a many years, and he is working in my town for a few weeks so we are going to have dinner tonight. I have heard that years ago he wanted to ask me out, but I was seeing someone at the time. So I am not sure that this is an actual date or not. I am just going to go and not read into it....or try not to...

Warm and Fuzzy

I seriously need a life! B went to his dads for the first weekend in a long while....I did nothing. I went to the grocery store for the first time in three weeks, remind me not to wait that long again! I bought a Christmas tree and some decorations. I also bought some candles....forgot to buy a lighter or matches though...lol!

Last week we had some really cold weather! It got down to 27 degrees!!! That is very cold for East Texas! Then this weekend it got back up to 80...smh! That is normal for Texas though...you know the joke: If you have to turn on the heater and the A/C in one day you live in East Texas!

A week and a half until Thanksgiving! Yay! I love this time a year. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! I stopped my new meds over the weekend. I was back to not wanting to get up off the couch. My mood improved, but no motivation. I start going to my counselor this week though. B has his classroom observation by his counselor. Just want to get us both help.

UGH.....

I am so sick and tired of men!!! Why does everything have to be a game?!? If you aren't interested then just SAY IT! Don't lead me on!!! Don't tell me I am beautiful and you will call me and then don't! Especially after you called me THREE TIMES the night before! You have time to be on Facebook, you have time to call!!! We never even went on a date...it isn't like there are true feelings involved! JESUS CHRIST!

If you want to be in my life PUT YOURSELF THERE! Otherwise don't waste my time....UGH!

Monday again....

I broke down and made an appointment with a counselor. Of course my insurance won't pay anything until I meet my deductible! We shall see how that goes.

B's football team won their Super Bowl:) It was a good game! 14-0...almost as sweet as the Saints stomping the Cowgirls last night 49-10! He got a big trophy...I was going to post a picture, but can't figure out how to shrink it....for some reason it is huge!!!

Monday again....hope everyone has a as good of a one as possible:)

Overwhelmed

I feel like a failure as a parent. It is taking so long to get B tested for ADD. His next appointment isn't until Dec 4th! I am terrified he will fail the 5th grade. There is so much he isn't taking in right now. His reading comprehension is terrible. His math is just as bad. I am so overwhelmed with everything he has to do. He really tries....and he gets frustrated, as do I, because he just doesn't get it. He is not dumb, it just hasn't clicked yet. It is almost like he gets it, but then when he is at school it all goes away and he has to relearn it. If there is someone to help him one on one, he can do it. I don't know what to do....we have done tutors, my mom helps him, I help him, his teachers are helping him....what else is there???

I need therapy...

I am feeling a little better today. Yesterday was Glen's birthday, he would have been 31. Glen was my bf I was living with when he passed away in a car accident. It was the worst time in my life. B was only 4 and had a really hard time understanding. It messed me up pretty bad. It probably is a lot of my reason for being single. I seriously need therapy.

Super Bowl

I have little hope that I will ever feel like everyone else. The new meds have my mood more stable, but I am back to not wanting to get up off the couch. This is so exhausting, and most don't understand. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I took B to the counselor for ADD. I really liked him, and so did B. He is going to observe B in the classroom then we have to go back and have a 3 hour session with him. In filling out the questioner I have ADD too. I hate that I put this on B...

On the plus side, B's team made the Super Bowl. He doesn't play much, but it makes him feel good.

Young and Dumb

October has come and gone...I can't believe it is already November! How time flies when you are an adult. I haven't bought one Christmas gift yet. The good thing is that I actually feel like celebrating Christmas this year. 2012 sucked all around.
Every year I think this will be the year that I find my soul mate....then come November I just laugh at myself! I spent to long with all the wrong guys when I was young and still hot. Why did I do that?!? Cause I was young and dumb! I just want to find someone that I like that likes me back...how hard is that?! Apparently pretty damn hard:(  If y'all know of any good men close to 40, that are at least cute, let me know;)

ADD

B's footbball is overall team made the playoffs:) It is only youth football....but we are excited!!! Only 2 more weeks then it is over....for this season anyways.

My mom and I had a meeting with B's teachers Friday. He is really struggling with school, but then he always has. We are going to have him tested for ADD, I know he isn't ADHD. I have been really stressed about it. I get overwhelmed thinking about it and how much he will have to work to catch up. I hope these antidepressants kick in soon...

80's Day

It's been a bad week. I missed a day and a half of work because of this sinus infection. Went to the doctor got antibiotics....and had her put me on an antidepressant. I know...I know....I wanted to try to be free of meds and control this on my own. Prozac, never tried it before, all I knew was I wanted to stay as far away from the Pristiq family as possible! My trip to Louisiana pretty much made the case for why I need them. I had a fantastic time, but I just had to force myself to do things that I didn't want to do. I tried to go out Saturday night with my cousin and her husband, and my niece, but I was home before 10PM. How sad am I?!?! B and I ended up watching a movie then going to sleep. I just can't handle crowds anymore. I know I am better than I use to be, because I don't have panic attacks, but I still just feel uncomfortable.

So today is 80's day at work! I also have a meeting with B's teachers...I am sure they will get a kick out of my attire:)

Need some Dayquil...

B and I had a fantastic weekend in Louisiana. The rice festival was a blast! B had the time of his life:) We all made it home safely only to have my niece and nephew get into a car accident later on Sunday evening. My nephew is fine, but my niece broke her elbow and has to have surgery later this week. Monday was brutal....not only did mother nature make her arrival, but I have some kind of head cold and feel like I have been run over a truck...then they backed up over me. Need some Dayquil... 

Join a Gym

I am not sure why I can't stick to anything. I go in hot and heavy then just fizzle out. I can't seem to find anything that keeps my interest. I need a workout buddy, but I really don't know anyone here. UGH....I should join a gym...

Sigh...

So back to day 1 of Paleo...sigh! I feel off the wagon this weekend:( I am jumping back on today though. Of course this weekend we are going to Louisiana to visit family and go to the festival they have there....we are super excited! PLUS I get to miss work and B gets to miss school on Friday:) I know I will fall off the wagon again this weekend.

I can't seem to get my mojo back to exercise....not sure what is wrong with me. Maybe I will finally start my time of the month.

Bread and Cheese

Day 4 was...just as sucky as day 3...except everyone's face was morphing into bread and cheese! Also I haven't been sleeping well, so my butt was dragging all day! I had to get my mom to pick B up from football practice. I did manage to sleep all night, only woke up a couple of times but went right back to sleep:)

So the start of Day 5 is optimistic! Made bacon and eggs for breakfast. Here is hoping that the cravings get better. I can't wait until it gets to the point where I don't crave that stuff anymore....man what I wouldn't give for some toast right now!

I think this weekend is going to be a rough one. Going to the movies with B, so I am going to have to sneak in a healthy snack. Then football Sunday....where my mom makes all these great football food:( Guess I will try out my willpower. Hope everyone has a great Friday!!!

Day 2...SUCKED

I started day 2 of Paleo strong! Pshhh day 1 was a piece of cake....mmmm cake. Until about 10AM...then the headache arrived and I wanted to rip the heads off of every employee at my sons dentist appointment! I struggled all day! I had to drag my butt to the track while B was at football practice! At least I managed to walk 4 miles...because that might be all I do this week:/

Got home and baked some lemon pepper tilapia with asparagus. I made enough for lunch today because the meals I worked so hard on Sunday fell flat. Guess it is trial and error. I have to say so far the cravings are the worst part right now as I might give up my job for a chick fil a sandwich!!! I am trying though...from what I have read the cravings should disappear in a week or so.

Day 3 started with sleepwalking through my shower...I think I finally woke up while cooking B and I's breakfast. So far it is just cravings that I am fighting today. We shall see what the rest of the day holds...

On a side note...I always use PAM when cooking....well I just noticed this morning that it is made with Canola oil. Guess I am cooking with Olive Oil from now on...

Paleo Day 1

Yesterday I started my Paleo 30 day challenge. Day 1 wasn't to bad. I made a couple of meals to get me through the week. Of course one of them I don't really care for. The other one is ok. A friend of mine is bringing me some cookbooks!!! I have heard horror story about the first couple of weeks....so bare with me! Today starts Day 2 and I feel a little sluggish, but not to bad.

BD and I came to an agreement so I will be dropping the case with the AG. I am so glad we got this over with. I hope he sticks to it, but I think he will now that he knows I am serious about it. The money will help me not be so broke every week:)

B's got a dentist app. this morning! He is not looking forward to it. It is long overdue though!

Slacker

I have slacked off the last few days. I have had a lot on my mind with the BD stuff going on. He now knows that I went to the attorney general to get legal child support. Our mediation thing is supposed to be this Thursday. I guess he is trying to crawfish out of it and is making me an offer to drop it. I still don't know what to do. His wife is apparently back in the picture since GF left. That is a good thing. Still just don't know what to do...

So I am starting the Paleo diet today. It consists of meat, fish, chicken, pork, vegetables and fruits. I spent a fortune at the store! I am going to try to keep it up for 30 days and see how I feel/look. I made a Italian chuck roast in the crock pot yesterday. I am making a pulled pork recipe today in the crock pot with homemade BBQ sauce. I got all of the recipes for a Paleo website. Hope they are good.

What is the World Coming too?

I started doing the 30 minute Total Body Sculpt that comes on Discover Fit & Health, this morning! It had me sweating and my muscles shaking so I guess we will see what comes of this. I just doing think that running was working on its own. I am still going to try though. It is a constant struggle between giving up, which I know is the depression talking, and moving forward, which is what I want. I wonder if it will ever NOT be a struggle?!?

So I heard last night that BD's new GF cleaned out his checking account last week. (I guess we had that in common last week....but at least I got my money back!) He sent her packing. Not sure on the details yet, but I can assure you I will get them today. I almost feel bad for him....almost. I know it is Karma rearing her ugly head. I am going to call estranged wife this morning and see what I can find out.

B's (half) brother and his GF are supposed to come see his game this Saturday. He is so super excited! We skipped out on practice last night....kinda feel bad about it. I was feeling selfish and had to watch NCIS cause it was Ziva's last episode:'-(  First Kidd Kraddick, then Dexter ends and now Ziva is gone! What is the world coming too?!?! :-)

Have a great day everyone!!!

Thank you Capital One

I don't know if it is getting close to that time of the month, or I am just losing interest in running. I am not nearly where I use to be. I went this morning, but I really didn't want to. Normally the day before I at least look forward to it, but I was looking for excuses not to. this is just like me...I never finish anything. Maybe it is just another depression slump....who knows. I am going to change things up a bit. I am going to do a 30 min exercise show in the morning. Maybe that will help. We shall see.

I never got my child support for last week. I can not believe it has come to this. I honestly do not know what has gotten into him. I told BD's estranged wife about what I was doing. I asked her not to tell, but I am paranoid now that she has. He asked me the other day for my address....I asked what he needed it for and he said never mind. At this point I don't really care if she told him or not. I just want it to be done.  I am not good at waiting.

THANK YOU Capital One, my checking account was completely reimbursed!!!

Karma Train

They make me sick!!! The people that steal for a living! While I am out working my butt off for what I have, they are sitting behind a computer hacking away. Getting peoples debit card numbers, social security numbers and stealing peoples identities.

I got paid Thursday, and while I was sleeping Thursday night, some hacker (or whatever you want to call them) cleaned out my checking account! My bank put a hold on the card and flagged it fraud, but not before I only had $.13 left! You read that right 13 CENTS!! Thank God for Capital One, they caught it. I had to go get a temp card, wait for my new card to come in the mail, and I have to wait until the charges aren't pending to dispute them. Good news is I will get it back! It just infuriates me! Oh well it could be worse....I have a savings account and that is all still there!!! Which is awesome cause that is where I put money to save for my rent every month!

So today is football day! The game isn't until 12:30 but we have to be a the field so he can take pictures at 9:00AM. I had to borrow money from my parents to get the pictures, since my checking account is empty....sigh. The Karma train is going to take care of whoever did this!!!

Flu Shot and Football

They were giving free flu shots at work yesterday if you had insurance through the company. SCORE!!! Of course we have to pay for the insurance, so I guess we pay for it. But it said free....so that made me happy! The guy giving it wasn't real good at giving shots, and it hurt for a while, but now it feels fine. I have never had the flu before...but better safe than sorry.

B's football practice....I have started going to the track to walk/run while he is at practice. I tried to walk the stairs also, they are super steep and I only got one done! Then I nearly had a panic attack coming down! Exercising in the heat of the evening is WAY harder than exercising in the nice cool mornings!

Hope you have a good day!

Cooler Weather!!!

Just in time for fall!!! 64 degrees this morning and it was great!!!! I am feeling more upbeat from last weeks slide downhill. It lasted a few days, but by Thursday I was much better!!!

B and I ran to my parents house on Saturday, not because that was our plan but because I locked us out of the house...lol! Good thing my parents only live a mile from me! I ran all the way, albeit very slowly cause B didn't run very fast, and walked most of the way. I didn't want to leave him behind. Then we walked most of the way back. He had his football game Saturday and they won. So all in all it was a good weekend!

Hope you had a great weekend too!!!

Another Day...

So yesterday and today I have just felt hopeless. I feel depression rearing it's ugly head! I am only running a mile now. I am irritable with Briley. He is failing math, his football practice is a beating for me. I feel fat, and I am pretty sure that there is nobody out there for me. Plus I am waiting on the shoe to drop on BD! For the first time since I stopped my antidepressants I thought about starting a new one. I am fighting it though. I hope this will pass....but right now all I want to do is lay in bed, and cry.

Chemistry....

Or lack there of! I just didn't feel it on my date Friday night:( I hate dating! The whole process sucks! Especially if there is no chemistry! Then you have to let them down if they did feel something. Don't get me wrong it was a nice date, there was just no physical attraction. I get so frustrated...I am sure I will be single the rest of my life:/ I often wonder if it is worse to have never been married....or to have been married and divorced?! Cause if I meet a guy that has never been married, even I wonder what is wrong with him! So I know they have to think the same about me! Sigh....

Date NOT!

That's right....no date:(  He canceled...babysitter issues. He has custody of his kids. We are still texting and we talked on the phone. Supposed to reschedule soon. He is going to try to switch with a coworker to see if he can get off work this Friday. We shall see:)

I ran 3K this morning! I am going to try to run every morning this week. It was hard but I made it! I really do think that it helps with my depression. I find that, even though I still get down, the hopeless feeling isn't unbearable.

To help with my depression....FOOTBALL season is back!!! YAY! My favorite season of the year! My Saints beat the Falcons yesterday!!!! That was a HUGE game, and a very good one...came down to the last minute! So that in itself starts my week out GRRRREAT!!!!

Have a great day everyone!

Just Running

So I have ditched the C25K app. With me being my own worst enemy, every time I didn't make a day, I would beat myself up about it! So I just used my iPod running app. Set it on 3K, that sounds so much better than 1.89 miles, and set out! I am just going to do this at my own pace! Just run! Run until I decide to stop. I think this way I will do better. Of course I know some people strive to reach goals, and so do I, but I also am to hard on myself if I don't make it. Which isn't good for depression. Trial and error:)

So my date is tonight....AHHHH! I am nervous, but excited! He called me yesterday at work. That is the first time we talked on the phone. Nobody is to charming over text. We talked for almost 45 mins! He was funny and sweet. I guess only time will tell....

Who needs a day of rest

I decided to get out there again today. I still didn't make the 28 min run though. I have decided to quit pushing myself to finish this app. I am going to just run until I decide it is time to quit. I will have to download a running app though. One that tells me distance/time. Anyone know of any good ones? Preferably cheap or better yet free:)

I am still struggling with my diet. Man I hate diets! I love food! I drink half my body weight in water every day, and I still seem to eat the same:( I need to learn to make healthier choices. That is no fun, but it will help me be healthier and hopefully live a long life:)

Foiled Once Again!

Shoot, shoot, SHOOT! It is going to take me a month to get W7 done! This morning I tried a new breathing method, and either I wasn't doing it right, or it doesn't work for me. Early on I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, my head started to hurt, I got queasy and dizzy! I had to stop:(  That is the only thing I did different so I won't be doing THAT again!

I took the 3 day weekend and didn't run all weekend, including yesterday. I just couldn't drag myself out of bed yesterday morning. I tried! I set my alarm, but just turned it off and went back to sleep. Oh well, it was a holiday for me:) I got bit by the Labor Day Lazy bug;) B and I watched movies, spent time with my best friend and her family, and my parents, went grocery shopping, and B went skating with one of his friends. Oh and I caught up on my DVR! I can't believe there are only 3 episodes of Dexter left!!! This breaks my heart:(

Sooooo, I do have a date for this Friday. It came out of nowhere really! I sure wasn't expecting it. Kinda nervous, kinda excited....but mostly nervous:)

Have a good day everyone!

Beat down

2 bad runs in one week:(  This morning I can't blame it on anything but me, I just quit. I could have kept going, I just didn't want to. Why can't this be easier. So much of this is mental...and well my mental state is one of the things that I am trying to make better....without meds! It is almost a constant struggle telling myself to keep going, that I am worth it. Then if I don't make it, I beat myself down about it. Like I failed. When deep down I know that hey at least I got out there and tried. I wonder if this will get any easier?!  I will push on though! I am determined to finish C25K!

Finished W8D1

So I think that the first run of a new week just gets me. I rarely make it the first time and the second time I do make it, but I struggle. Once again I was arguing with myself, in my head cause I don't want the other people out and about to think I was crazy;) Then once I reach  a certain point in the run, towards the end, I start telling myself that I am almost done and can't stop now. Hopefully, like last week, Day 2 won't be as bad.

Got B started in the 5th grade this week!! Where does the time go? He asked me not to walk him in this year...which is bitter sweet. He has 3 teachers, I guess they are trying to get him ready for middle school next year. Of course we have football practice Tues and Thurs 6-8pm and that is a struggle in itself. I don't get off work until 5. I feel like sometimes I am running a race with no reward.

As for the upcoming drama that is going to unfold...I put it in the works Sunday night. Now I just sit back and wait for it to blow up. It is what is best for B...and he is my only concern:)

Stress...

W7D1 was a bust:(  I have figured out it has to do with how much stress is going on in my life. Last night it became an all time high...not sure when it will end either! I guess mentally it is very hard to run....seems harder than the actual running itself to me.

Gotta cut the blog short today...B's first day of the 5th grade:)

Week 7 Complete...with no Do Overs!

Whew...W7D3 scared me a little after struggling with W7D2. However it wasn't nearly as bad. I guess W7D2 was just a bad running day. This one I tried to concentrate on my breathing more. I am not very coordinated, so it is a struggle. I read somewhere to exhale on the left foot then next time the right, so as not to give to much stress on one side of the body. This is a lot easier said than done my friend! I feel like I am going to trip over my own feet sometimes. But I did notice it helped me not to get as winded as I would otherwise. So practice makes perfect!

I can't believe I am going to start Week 8 next week. I am giving myself the entire weekend to recover. Lord knows I in Week 1 I never thought I would make it this far, and had I still been on my meds I honestly don't think that I would have stayed motivated. I cannot express to you have much Pristiq changed my life, at first for the good, but then for the worst! I stayed on it to long I think. I didn't need it anymore, yet still took it. SO glad I got off of it!

I have been awake since about 3:45AM. My stupid head will not quit working so I just got up and did my run. Right now I am not only going through my trust issue but also not seeing eye to eye with my BD. I am not the kind of person who likes confrontation or to be the center of any kind of activity. I like to blend in, and smile. However, that is fixing to change. I am fixing to throw some gas on a flame and watch it blow up! So if my blog gets a little personal in the near future, I apologize in advance!


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!"  Kidd Kraddick

W7D2

Yet another fun filled run....YEAH RIGHT! This one I struggled a lot toward the end. I really had to push myself to make it. I did stop for about 3 seconds to let a car pass at the enter section....so sue me;) I struggled with my breathing today. I am chalking this up to stupid drama this week.

Why do I trust people I shouldn't?!? I have the absolute worst taste in men! Sometimes I even shock myself at how stupid I can be! I had a terrible time Monday. I had to leave work I was so upset. Only to come home make myself physically ill! This was my first big test of being off my antidepressants. It was a doosie!

I managed to talk myself down off of that dooms day cliff. It wasn't pretty I can assure you!!!  I have now put it behind me and chalked it up to a lesson learned. I still have to deal with him, but only to cut him loose!!!!

Well gotta cut this blog short, I have time to make up at work! Single mom can't miss like that and not pay in one way or another:)

W7D1...It's all Downhill from here!!

Or is it?!?! W7D1 was the same as W6D3. Since I had such a tough time with Week 6 I looked ahead to see what this week was. It is all 25 min runs. I guess I can handle it....I hope anyways.

I made it through todays. It seems like I am catching my breath a lot more quickly than I was before. Even when I am going downhill I tend to not be so out of breath. I guess this breathing thing is helping me! Here is the article I read http://www.runnersworld.com/running-tips/running-air-breathing-technique 

So my son is playing football this year with the youth league. Sadly enough I am having to make him play a sport. I know, I know....it is killing me to have to do this. He is SO much like me and I hate that! I know how he feels, his anxiety about failing, about not being good at it and being made fun of. I felt the same way, and now I feel anxiety FOR him. I don't want him to feel like that. I want him to be good at sports and play, have lots of friends. Anyways, his couch finally called last night....AT 10:50!!! I was long asleep by then! They have a meeting tonight, no practice just a meeting. Briley is at his dads, so I have to get him home today! Hopefully it won't be a problem with his dad. With him you never know!

2nd Try is a Charm...

I finished W6D3! WOW! I know that I did 20 mins on W5D3 but 25 mins seemed like an eternity! Waking up this morning, I had the ugly quit demons in my head. I just wanted to give up, before I even got out of bed. I got up anyways, and had a good long conversation with myself about how I am tired of always giving up! I have come this far....and believe me in week 1 I couldn't run a minute without getting winded!

I made it through the first approx. 15 mins pretty easily. The rest was more of a challenge. I have discovered that the new breathing method I am trying is making it easier than it was. Concentrating on that, time seems to go by faster. However, I think I had a bat swoop down at my head this morning, I tried not to panic. I only saw it once....lets hope I don't have to see another one! *SHUDDER*  Toward the end I had to pep talking myself...."If 15 mins is a breeze now, one day 25 will be a breeze." Lets hope so anyways! I have noticed that it doesn't take very long for me to catch my breath when I quit running now. I guess my lungs are adjusting nicely:)

It was a nice 69 degrees outside this morning! Perfect weather for running if you ask me. Of course it was 5AM...it will be in the 90's later today. I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to start running....in the summer....in TEXAS! Luckily it has been a mild summer here....which is scary! We also had a SPRING...which normally lasts a week, 2 tops....but it went on for a few months this year! Hope that means that fall is just around the corner and we will actually see all of the seasons this year:)

Yay for Fridays! Even though B is at his dads....I hate when he is gone. He may be a spoiled, entitled little boy, but he is MY spoiled entitled little boy:)

Well guess I am going to finish getting ready for work. Fridays are my short day cause I get most of my hours in during the rest of the week.


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

Try Try Again...

Didn't make W6D3 on the first try:(  I think it was because I looked at the temp outside and it was almost 80! I stepped outside and immediately started to sweat because the humidity was 150%!!! Ok maybe not 150%...but pretty high! I tried though. I made it over half way though. I am just learning the breathing thing....which is taking my mind off of the running so that is good! Of course I don't know if I am doing it right or not. It is supposed to cool off tomorrow, which NEVER happens in August in Texas! I am looking at upper 60's for Fridays run:)

On the bright side...today is B's birthday!!! I can not believe he is 11 years old! I woke him up at 6:36AM this morning, because that is the time he was born:) Where does the time go...seems like yesterday he was turning 1:(

                                                     This is me and B on his 1st B~day!  
                                                                   I use to be skinny!

                                                         B @ his 1st B~day party!
        

                                             This is B now, and the only way I can take a
                                                       picture is when he sleeps:)

3rd Time is a Charm...

FINALLY!!!! I never thought I would get past W6D2! Of course it took me 3 try's but hey better late than never:)  I am still struggling with my mental state though. I am my worst critic. I can't help but be hard on myself. I have thought about finding a Counselor to talk to. Not sure if my insurance covers that or not. Guess I need to figure that out first. When I die, I seriously want to donate my brain to science so they can try to figure out why I felt the way that I do. I hate that anyone else has to feel this way too. Depression SUCKS!!!



"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

W6D2...

I breezed through the first 10 mins....then walk for 3....then after about 2 mins of running, my mental state just collapsed! Of course quitting made it worse:(
I don't get it....why are some days just impossible!

I want to blame it on my baby daddy's new girlfriends drama she is causing...but that probably has nothing to do with it. Why is it my BD and I have never had issues in almost 11 years until she comes into the picture?! She is now 2 weeks behind on my child support! They went to the beach, without telling his son, and there is no Capital One in that area to deposit the checks. Whatever! So she won't be able to get it to the bank until Monday, so by then he will owe me 3 weeks worth of checks! She isn't hurting anyone but him. The more she makes this an issue, the closer I get to calling a lawyer! He and I never went to court, he has just always paid me, and we work out visitation. I sent a text to him saying to please fix this situation. Not to mention B has an ear infection and I need to get his meds. He said with the insurance it should only be 4 dollars! Yeah we will see.

I am so lucky to have parents that are supportive! Anywho it is time to get this day over with...


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

W6D1...This is gonna be a breeze!

Or so I thought! I mean if I can run 20 mins straight, then jogging 5 mins, walk 3mins and jog 8 walk 3 should be a breeze! NOT! Maybe I was just having a bad running day?! I think I am going to bring my water bottle with me on my next one. It was tough!

Speaking of water bottle, I am up in the air about if Gatorade is good or bad during a run?!? Or should I just stick with water?!? I haven't been bringing anything with me, but I know I need to. I bought a water bottle with the strap for my hand. I guess I will put it to use on my next run.

My baby is home!!! I am so glad! We had a really busy and expensive weekend. I wish it would have been fun expensive, but it was school supplies, back pack, sign up for football, taking clothes back because certain people can't read a freaking dress code, then lying to me about getting the right thing when you didn't....BDGF is really getting on my last nerve!

Alright...lets get this Monday over with!

"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is" Kidd Kraddick

W5D3...you want me to do WHAT???

Run 20 mins without any walking....Holy Cyanide Batman!!! (I cuss like a sailor but I am trying to keep it clean for the blog) How do you go from running 8 mins, walk 5, run 8, to running 20 whole minutes?!?!? I think I broke out in a run/walk for about a minute but I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep for the first time since I started this journey I am proud of myself:)

But the goodness doesn't end there folks! For the last 2 weeks I have up'd my water intake to half of my body weight(in ounces) and despite the fact that my boss would probably get more productivity out of me if he moved my office to a bathroom stall, I lost some weight! For the longest I was stuck, but I lost about 3 or 4 pounds:) THEN I put on my "tight" jeans...and they slid right on and zipped up no problem! Best of all my baby is coming home this afternoon! He has been gone 2 weeks with his dad and I am going crazy! We have SO much to do this weekend, school supply shopping, register him for football, etc. Just can't wait to hug him!

Anywho, hope you all have a fantastic day:)



"Keep Lookin' Up...Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

W5D2

So far W5 hasn't been that bad! Today was Warm up walk for 5 mins, then run for 8 mins, walk 5 mins, run 8 mins then cool down! I was actually surprised that I could run for 8 mins! When I think back to W1...I couldn't hardly run 1 min! It just seems like I have been at this forever!

My depression has been rearing its ugly head last week and this week. Of course Mother Nature is in full force, so that probably has something to do with why I hate my life this week...well that and the fact that I miss my son! B has been at his dads all last week and this week:(  I am ready for him to be home! There are other factors too, BD new girlfriend and I don't see eye to eye, and the loss of my favorite DJ of all time Kidd Kraddick! I know it will get better though just gotta keep Kidd's motto in my mind!

"Keep Lookin' Up...Cause that is where it all is!"

Keep Lookin' Up....

I have been in mourning since last night. Kidd Kraddick passed away yesterday. I didn't know him personally, but I felt as though he were family. I have been a loyal listener for as long as I can remember. I have been so emotional over it, which probably has something to do with Mother Nature showing up this morning. But honestly, I feel like I have lost part of my life. Five days a week I tuned in every morning. My heart is broken:'(  I figured he deserved a shout out on my blog.

Kidd, you were a huge part of my daily routine every weekday morning! I am so grateful for everything that you shared with us. I will continue to listen as long as the show is on the air carrying out your legacy and every year I will give to your Kidd's Kids charity! Nobody will ever replace you. R.I.P.

W4D3...What rain?

Completed W4 just now!!! Decided to go even though it was raining:) It wasn't pouring but it sprinkled on me the entire way. This one was tough though or the last 5 mins were. I guess I am not looking forward to W5:/ I have heard the rumors about W5D3...I am scared to look forward to see what is ahead, I just look at that day! One day at a time right?!

On a completely different subject, today I get to go pack up my younger sisters apartment. She is moving back to Houston:(  Not that I blame her, she had an incredible offer to come back to work for the company she works for. She has been contracting out and working from here. The Manager of HR quit so she was filling in for her for the summer till they got someone else in there. While there they asked her what they had to do to make her stay, she told them and they said yes:) I always wanted a rich sister;)

WOW...

Told y'all I was new to this blog thing so I just saw that I had comments from some people! I guess I never expected anyone to stumble upon my little blog! You put a smile on my face! Thank you for the encouraging words! And Thank you for reading!

I have anxiety about a lot of crazy things, so please don't think that it is just you! I get anxious about following people somewhere or having them follow me. I get anxious for things my son has to do! I get really anxious this time of year. Having to get B ready for school to start, and his birthday, which is right before school starts on top of my regular rent, and utilities. I want to just get everything done, but alas my paycheck won't allow this. I guess in the dictionary next to the word anxious is a picture of me!! What helps me is to make lists of things I need to pay or do, and when I can pay them or do them. If I don't do it, I can't concentrate on anything!

Well Thank you again for being a part of my journey! If you have blogs let me know and I will follow you:)

W4D2 Complete

Even with the Craptastic week that I am having, I managed to complete my W4D2! I keep wondering when I am going to FEEL like a runner?!? I guess it is getting easier, because I can do it for longer periods of time than I could at the beginning, but I still don't feel like a runner. Maybe when I complete the C25K app I will feel more accomplished.

I guess what comes with my depression is low self esteem, even before I had a weight problem. I never felt like I was good enough. I always quit because I assumed I would fail anyways. Which is why I haven't shared this blog with anyone I know personally. I am afraid. I am also not a bragger, I don't like to say hey look at me, look at what I am doing because in my mind the less attention I get the better. And what if I fail?? I also don't like to make people feel bad, if they aren't doing anything.(That sounds crazy I know) I have told a some people, mostly family, then a few people that I trust and know they will be there to support me know matter what. I guess I am just not a in your face kinda girl.

I did fall off the diet wagon this week though. I think it is because mother nature is on her way. Why is it that I feel like I could eat the ass end of a cow the week before she makes her great appearance?!? Oh well, when she does arrive I lose my appetite completely, so I guess it will even out.

2nd try is the Charm!

W4D1 completed on my 2nd try:) I must admit I was depressed and angry that I couldn't finish it Sunday. I decided to read, read, and read some more about running, hydration, breathing and motivation! Those last 5 mins were the longest I have ever had! I pushed on and did it!

Yesterday I decided to up my water intake. I drank at least half of my body weight, in ounces, through out the day. Took a lot of trips to the bathroom, I hope that doesn't last, otherwise my work is going to think I am pregnant or on drugs;)

Also yesterday, I started eating a little something every 3 hours. A friend of mine that I have know for probably 15 years has lost over 150 pounds and started a facebook group. It is really helping with my motivation! He is truly and inspiration to me!

Maybe one day I will tell my FB friends about my blog...

W4D1 OWNED....me

Ok maybe I should look forward on what I have to do each day. I had my first failure:( I made it through most of it, but I just couldn't manage the last 5 min run. My calves were on fire! I am not to sure why though. I am gonna have to google it or ask the forum about it. I let myself down...

80% Diet...

and 20% exercise. That is the key to losing weight...or so I have read. That is where my problem lies. I AM A PICKY EATER! It isn't that I haven't tried different foods, because I have.

I have bought countless diet programs, only to find out that most of the stuff in them I don't like or even know what it is or where to find it! I don't have an endless amount of money to go out and BUY the food after I have BOUGHT the program! I am on a VERY tight budget, and also have a picky eating 11 yr old son in the house. If he doesn't like it he won't eat...or will sneak in the kitchen and make him some popcorn. It is just freaking frustrating! I am not sure where to turn!

 W3D3....OWNED!

Despite my lack of enthusiasm this morning I made it through!!! This morning was the first morning that I just didn't want to do it...I blame it on my laziness yesterday. My calves and thighs burned like fire when I was done! I guess that means I am doing good?!?! I try not to look forward on what the next weeks will bring...I do love surprises and don't want to be scared away.

I managed to sleep most of the night last night only woke up a couple of times and for me that is good sleep! My anxiety has subsided some, because I know what I have to do. I have to make lists of everything that needs to be done and start a schedule of when I can do it, and what can be put off. Putting stuff off is a very hard thing for me to do...of course lack of money makes it necessary! So I text BD (baby daddy) and discussed what he could help with. Think we have it all squared away, now just need to get it done! Although I fight it....I am turning out to be just as big a control freak as my mom.

Stupid, Stupid Anxiety!

My anxiety kicked into high gear about 1:30AM this morning! Anxiety over what you ask??? A phone call I have to make today! Not even that important, I just don't care for the person I have to call! I have never even met the woman, she is just not friendly. I forgot how much the meds helped my anxiety too. Today is going to be a long day... 

    Finally got back to sleep until after 4AM. I couldn't drag myself out of bed when my alarm went off at 5AM:(  Glad it wasn't one of my running days. I walk at least 3 miles on my off mornings. Now I feel like a blob:(

A Little Background Info...

on myself! I am a 38 yr old single mom of one 11 yr old son. I have suffered with depression most of my life. I have tried several different antidepressants and landed on Pristiq in March of 2008. At first it was awesome, then gradually became a nightmare. I was completely unaware of what this medicine did to me. I had NO motivation to do anything, was always hungry, which lead to putting on 50 pounds in 4 years!
 
    I honestly didn't realize that Pristiq was causing all of these things because it gradually came on after a year of being on the meds. It was only when I decided to get off of them in June of 2013 that I made the discovery. While researching how to taper off of the meds, I came across several forums. People were saying the side effects this medicine had caused them! I have now been Pristiq free for a month and a half! It was rough with the withdrawals at first, now everything is clicking like it use to!

    However the 50 pounds is a lot harder to get rid of. I weigh more than I did when I went to give birth to my son! I have never had to deal with a significant weight problem before now. Not only did I need to lose weight but also help my depression. So with my motivation back, I took to walking. After 3 weeks I was up to 3 miles! Then I downloaded a C25K app on my phone, deciding it was time to tackle my bucket list and run a 5K!

    So this is my journey, not only to running (jogging I should say) but to dealing with my depression without meds! I am getting a late start, as I am already on W3D2, but better late than never!

   On a side note, bare with me on the blog thing....I am new to this and don't have a clue what I am doing!