Normal and Happy

Yesterday I read this story and came to a horrible truth about my future. (No I DO NOT lust after children!!) I started thinking about what makes this man want to do this type of thing? Not just him, but anyone that isn't "wired" correctly? Depression, OCD, ADD, ADHD, etc. It dawned on me that there is nothing they can do or give this man to make him not feel like this towards children. He might eventually be able to control it, but the urges will always be there.

This lead me to myself. The depression that has ahold of my soul, is never going to go away. Yeah I have learned to live with it and fake a lot, but the feeling will never completely go away. I wasn't wired to feel normal, and no medicine or therapy is going to change that. It might make it better but it will never go away.

In trying to remember the happy times in my life, they all had to do with me being in a relationship. Don't get me wrong B is the most important person in the world to me, but to be a family is what I crave. Now almost 39 years old I am really scared that this will never happen. B will eventually go away and have his own life. Then where will I be?

My other fear is that he is taking after me. That he will suffer from the depression and will live his life as miserable as I am. I know my depression affects him. I sometimes see me in him....and it scares the hell out of me! I don't want this for him!!! I want him to be happy! I am feeling hopeless at this point. There is nothing that I can do to avoid it, and there is no way to know until it happens.

I am going to continue my quest to find a good medicine, and try to find what makes me happy, for B! I want to be able to tell him what he needs to do to feel normal and happy.

Date....maybe

We made it to Thursday!!! Today I have my first counseling session, and B's counselor is going to observe him in his classroom. We are both pretty nervous. All I know is now that I can see B following in my "mental" footsteps, I want to fix myself so that he doesn't have to feel what I feel! I hope this works!

Soooo....I might have a date tonight. I am not real sure. I have known him for a many years, and he is working in my town for a few weeks so we are going to have dinner tonight. I have heard that years ago he wanted to ask me out, but I was seeing someone at the time. So I am not sure that this is an actual date or not. I am just going to go and not read into it....or try not to...

Warm and Fuzzy

I seriously need a life! B went to his dads for the first weekend in a long while....I did nothing. I went to the grocery store for the first time in three weeks, remind me not to wait that long again! I bought a Christmas tree and some decorations. I also bought some candles....forgot to buy a lighter or matches though...lol!

Last week we had some really cold weather! It got down to 27 degrees!!! That is very cold for East Texas! Then this weekend it got back up to 80...smh! That is normal for Texas though...you know the joke: If you have to turn on the heater and the A/C in one day you live in East Texas!

A week and a half until Thanksgiving! Yay! I love this time a year. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy! I stopped my new meds over the weekend. I was back to not wanting to get up off the couch. My mood improved, but no motivation. I start going to my counselor this week though. B has his classroom observation by his counselor. Just want to get us both help.

UGH.....

I am so sick and tired of men!!! Why does everything have to be a game?!? If you aren't interested then just SAY IT! Don't lead me on!!! Don't tell me I am beautiful and you will call me and then don't! Especially after you called me THREE TIMES the night before! You have time to be on Facebook, you have time to call!!! We never even went on a date...it isn't like there are true feelings involved! JESUS CHRIST!

If you want to be in my life PUT YOURSELF THERE! Otherwise don't waste my time....UGH!

Monday again....

I broke down and made an appointment with a counselor. Of course my insurance won't pay anything until I meet my deductible! We shall see how that goes.

B's football team won their Super Bowl:) It was a good game! 14-0...almost as sweet as the Saints stomping the Cowgirls last night 49-10! He got a big trophy...I was going to post a picture, but can't figure out how to shrink it....for some reason it is huge!!!

Monday again....hope everyone has a as good of a one as possible:)

Overwhelmed

I feel like a failure as a parent. It is taking so long to get B tested for ADD. His next appointment isn't until Dec 4th! I am terrified he will fail the 5th grade. There is so much he isn't taking in right now. His reading comprehension is terrible. His math is just as bad. I am so overwhelmed with everything he has to do. He really tries....and he gets frustrated, as do I, because he just doesn't get it. He is not dumb, it just hasn't clicked yet. It is almost like he gets it, but then when he is at school it all goes away and he has to relearn it. If there is someone to help him one on one, he can do it. I don't know what to do....we have done tutors, my mom helps him, I help him, his teachers are helping him....what else is there???

I need therapy...

I am feeling a little better today. Yesterday was Glen's birthday, he would have been 31. Glen was my bf I was living with when he passed away in a car accident. It was the worst time in my life. B was only 4 and had a really hard time understanding. It messed me up pretty bad. It probably is a lot of my reason for being single. I seriously need therapy.

Super Bowl

I have little hope that I will ever feel like everyone else. The new meds have my mood more stable, but I am back to not wanting to get up off the couch. This is so exhausting, and most don't understand. I am going to be alone for the rest of my life.

I took B to the counselor for ADD. I really liked him, and so did B. He is going to observe B in the classroom then we have to go back and have a 3 hour session with him. In filling out the questioner I have ADD too. I hate that I put this on B...

On the plus side, B's team made the Super Bowl. He doesn't play much, but it makes him feel good.

Young and Dumb

October has come and gone...I can't believe it is already November! How time flies when you are an adult. I haven't bought one Christmas gift yet. The good thing is that I actually feel like celebrating Christmas this year. 2012 sucked all around.
Every year I think this will be the year that I find my soul mate....then come November I just laugh at myself! I spent to long with all the wrong guys when I was young and still hot. Why did I do that?!? Cause I was young and dumb! I just want to find someone that I like that likes me back...how hard is that?! Apparently pretty damn hard:(  If y'all know of any good men close to 40, that are at least cute, let me know;)