Beat down

2 bad runs in one week:(  This morning I can't blame it on anything but me, I just quit. I could have kept going, I just didn't want to. Why can't this be easier. So much of this is mental...and well my mental state is one of the things that I am trying to make better....without meds! It is almost a constant struggle telling myself to keep going, that I am worth it. Then if I don't make it, I beat myself down about it. Like I failed. When deep down I know that hey at least I got out there and tried. I wonder if this will get any easier?!  I will push on though! I am determined to finish C25K!

Finished W8D1

So I think that the first run of a new week just gets me. I rarely make it the first time and the second time I do make it, but I struggle. Once again I was arguing with myself, in my head cause I don't want the other people out and about to think I was crazy;) Then once I reach  a certain point in the run, towards the end, I start telling myself that I am almost done and can't stop now. Hopefully, like last week, Day 2 won't be as bad.

Got B started in the 5th grade this week!! Where does the time go? He asked me not to walk him in this year...which is bitter sweet. He has 3 teachers, I guess they are trying to get him ready for middle school next year. Of course we have football practice Tues and Thurs 6-8pm and that is a struggle in itself. I don't get off work until 5. I feel like sometimes I am running a race with no reward.

As for the upcoming drama that is going to unfold...I put it in the works Sunday night. Now I just sit back and wait for it to blow up. It is what is best for B...and he is my only concern:)

Stress...

W7D1 was a bust:(  I have figured out it has to do with how much stress is going on in my life. Last night it became an all time high...not sure when it will end either! I guess mentally it is very hard to run....seems harder than the actual running itself to me.

Gotta cut the blog short today...B's first day of the 5th grade:)

Week 7 Complete...with no Do Overs!

Whew...W7D3 scared me a little after struggling with W7D2. However it wasn't nearly as bad. I guess W7D2 was just a bad running day. This one I tried to concentrate on my breathing more. I am not very coordinated, so it is a struggle. I read somewhere to exhale on the left foot then next time the right, so as not to give to much stress on one side of the body. This is a lot easier said than done my friend! I feel like I am going to trip over my own feet sometimes. But I did notice it helped me not to get as winded as I would otherwise. So practice makes perfect!

I can't believe I am going to start Week 8 next week. I am giving myself the entire weekend to recover. Lord knows I in Week 1 I never thought I would make it this far, and had I still been on my meds I honestly don't think that I would have stayed motivated. I cannot express to you have much Pristiq changed my life, at first for the good, but then for the worst! I stayed on it to long I think. I didn't need it anymore, yet still took it. SO glad I got off of it!

I have been awake since about 3:45AM. My stupid head will not quit working so I just got up and did my run. Right now I am not only going through my trust issue but also not seeing eye to eye with my BD. I am not the kind of person who likes confrontation or to be the center of any kind of activity. I like to blend in, and smile. However, that is fixing to change. I am fixing to throw some gas on a flame and watch it blow up! So if my blog gets a little personal in the near future, I apologize in advance!


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!"  Kidd Kraddick

W7D2

Yet another fun filled run....YEAH RIGHT! This one I struggled a lot toward the end. I really had to push myself to make it. I did stop for about 3 seconds to let a car pass at the enter section....so sue me;) I struggled with my breathing today. I am chalking this up to stupid drama this week.

Why do I trust people I shouldn't?!? I have the absolute worst taste in men! Sometimes I even shock myself at how stupid I can be! I had a terrible time Monday. I had to leave work I was so upset. Only to come home make myself physically ill! This was my first big test of being off my antidepressants. It was a doosie!

I managed to talk myself down off of that dooms day cliff. It wasn't pretty I can assure you!!!  I have now put it behind me and chalked it up to a lesson learned. I still have to deal with him, but only to cut him loose!!!!

Well gotta cut this blog short, I have time to make up at work! Single mom can't miss like that and not pay in one way or another:)

W7D1...It's all Downhill from here!!

Or is it?!?! W7D1 was the same as W6D3. Since I had such a tough time with Week 6 I looked ahead to see what this week was. It is all 25 min runs. I guess I can handle it....I hope anyways.

I made it through todays. It seems like I am catching my breath a lot more quickly than I was before. Even when I am going downhill I tend to not be so out of breath. I guess this breathing thing is helping me! Here is the article I read http://www.runnersworld.com/running-tips/running-air-breathing-technique 

So my son is playing football this year with the youth league. Sadly enough I am having to make him play a sport. I know, I know....it is killing me to have to do this. He is SO much like me and I hate that! I know how he feels, his anxiety about failing, about not being good at it and being made fun of. I felt the same way, and now I feel anxiety FOR him. I don't want him to feel like that. I want him to be good at sports and play, have lots of friends. Anyways, his couch finally called last night....AT 10:50!!! I was long asleep by then! They have a meeting tonight, no practice just a meeting. Briley is at his dads, so I have to get him home today! Hopefully it won't be a problem with his dad. With him you never know!

2nd Try is a Charm...

I finished W6D3! WOW! I know that I did 20 mins on W5D3 but 25 mins seemed like an eternity! Waking up this morning, I had the ugly quit demons in my head. I just wanted to give up, before I even got out of bed. I got up anyways, and had a good long conversation with myself about how I am tired of always giving up! I have come this far....and believe me in week 1 I couldn't run a minute without getting winded!

I made it through the first approx. 15 mins pretty easily. The rest was more of a challenge. I have discovered that the new breathing method I am trying is making it easier than it was. Concentrating on that, time seems to go by faster. However, I think I had a bat swoop down at my head this morning, I tried not to panic. I only saw it once....lets hope I don't have to see another one! *SHUDDER*  Toward the end I had to pep talking myself...."If 15 mins is a breeze now, one day 25 will be a breeze." Lets hope so anyways! I have noticed that it doesn't take very long for me to catch my breath when I quit running now. I guess my lungs are adjusting nicely:)

It was a nice 69 degrees outside this morning! Perfect weather for running if you ask me. Of course it was 5AM...it will be in the 90's later today. I am not sure what I was thinking when I decided to start running....in the summer....in TEXAS! Luckily it has been a mild summer here....which is scary! We also had a SPRING...which normally lasts a week, 2 tops....but it went on for a few months this year! Hope that means that fall is just around the corner and we will actually see all of the seasons this year:)

Yay for Fridays! Even though B is at his dads....I hate when he is gone. He may be a spoiled, entitled little boy, but he is MY spoiled entitled little boy:)

Well guess I am going to finish getting ready for work. Fridays are my short day cause I get most of my hours in during the rest of the week.


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

Try Try Again...

Didn't make W6D3 on the first try:(  I think it was because I looked at the temp outside and it was almost 80! I stepped outside and immediately started to sweat because the humidity was 150%!!! Ok maybe not 150%...but pretty high! I tried though. I made it over half way though. I am just learning the breathing thing....which is taking my mind off of the running so that is good! Of course I don't know if I am doing it right or not. It is supposed to cool off tomorrow, which NEVER happens in August in Texas! I am looking at upper 60's for Fridays run:)

On the bright side...today is B's birthday!!! I can not believe he is 11 years old! I woke him up at 6:36AM this morning, because that is the time he was born:) Where does the time go...seems like yesterday he was turning 1:(

                                                     This is me and B on his 1st B~day!  
                                                                   I use to be skinny!

                                                         B @ his 1st B~day party!
        

                                             This is B now, and the only way I can take a
                                                       picture is when he sleeps:)

3rd Time is a Charm...

FINALLY!!!! I never thought I would get past W6D2! Of course it took me 3 try's but hey better late than never:)  I am still struggling with my mental state though. I am my worst critic. I can't help but be hard on myself. I have thought about finding a Counselor to talk to. Not sure if my insurance covers that or not. Guess I need to figure that out first. When I die, I seriously want to donate my brain to science so they can try to figure out why I felt the way that I do. I hate that anyone else has to feel this way too. Depression SUCKS!!!



"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

W6D2...

I breezed through the first 10 mins....then walk for 3....then after about 2 mins of running, my mental state just collapsed! Of course quitting made it worse:(
I don't get it....why are some days just impossible!

I want to blame it on my baby daddy's new girlfriends drama she is causing...but that probably has nothing to do with it. Why is it my BD and I have never had issues in almost 11 years until she comes into the picture?! She is now 2 weeks behind on my child support! They went to the beach, without telling his son, and there is no Capital One in that area to deposit the checks. Whatever! So she won't be able to get it to the bank until Monday, so by then he will owe me 3 weeks worth of checks! She isn't hurting anyone but him. The more she makes this an issue, the closer I get to calling a lawyer! He and I never went to court, he has just always paid me, and we work out visitation. I sent a text to him saying to please fix this situation. Not to mention B has an ear infection and I need to get his meds. He said with the insurance it should only be 4 dollars! Yeah we will see.

I am so lucky to have parents that are supportive! Anywho it is time to get this day over with...


"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick

W6D1...This is gonna be a breeze!

Or so I thought! I mean if I can run 20 mins straight, then jogging 5 mins, walk 3mins and jog 8 walk 3 should be a breeze! NOT! Maybe I was just having a bad running day?! I think I am going to bring my water bottle with me on my next one. It was tough!

Speaking of water bottle, I am up in the air about if Gatorade is good or bad during a run?!? Or should I just stick with water?!? I haven't been bringing anything with me, but I know I need to. I bought a water bottle with the strap for my hand. I guess I will put it to use on my next run.

My baby is home!!! I am so glad! We had a really busy and expensive weekend. I wish it would have been fun expensive, but it was school supplies, back pack, sign up for football, taking clothes back because certain people can't read a freaking dress code, then lying to me about getting the right thing when you didn't....BDGF is really getting on my last nerve!

Alright...lets get this Monday over with!

"Keep Lookin' Up....Cause that's where it all is" Kidd Kraddick

W5D3...you want me to do WHAT???

Run 20 mins without any walking....Holy Cyanide Batman!!! (I cuss like a sailor but I am trying to keep it clean for the blog) How do you go from running 8 mins, walk 5, run 8, to running 20 whole minutes?!?!? I think I broke out in a run/walk for about a minute but I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Yep for the first time since I started this journey I am proud of myself:)

But the goodness doesn't end there folks! For the last 2 weeks I have up'd my water intake to half of my body weight(in ounces) and despite the fact that my boss would probably get more productivity out of me if he moved my office to a bathroom stall, I lost some weight! For the longest I was stuck, but I lost about 3 or 4 pounds:) THEN I put on my "tight" jeans...and they slid right on and zipped up no problem! Best of all my baby is coming home this afternoon! He has been gone 2 weeks with his dad and I am going crazy! We have SO much to do this weekend, school supply shopping, register him for football, etc. Just can't wait to hug him!

Anywho, hope you all have a fantastic day:)



"Keep Lookin' Up...Cause that's where it all is!" Kidd Kraddick